.::when a liar writes::.

i seriously don't know what im going to write today, is it about new year that we welcome next? or about leaving 2004 we goodbye at? about tsunami with 60,000 death toll? no, no, hell no im going to write about that, new year, old year, its all same to me, i only keep counting how many day we have holidays that year, there's no more than that, nothing new to me, just we keep older, nearer to death, 60,000 death fot tsunami? hey, its not a big deal, everyone's die, its just we don't know when, right? the things that we should think, is about those who is still alive, can they survive after the one that they hanging die? damn, i should write about something else, about my dream, about my real dream life, but, duh, sometimes we should think about someone else' dream too, right? ....

What’s a friend?

I’M WRITING this for people who get depressed and suicidal because of their friends.

I’ve noticed that one of the biggest mood effecters is friendship. Most teens tend to get easily upset by their friends, and sometimes their friends don’t even know it. I too have been through this growing experience.

I think a friend is a luxury. If you have one, great! If you don’t have one? No big deal, you’ll survive. A friend is someone who makes life fun, who can help you and not just say they will and instead do nothing. A friend is a person who cares, not only when bad things happen but even when they don’t.

Human beings naturally look for people who can help them solve their problems and maybe have a good time with. They call them their best friends so that they can further help solve their problems at regular rate without guilt and without going through all the formalities. It’s sad but true.

Being called someone’s best friend doesn’t mean you have to be their best friend. I learnt it the hard way when I was six and told my 11-year-old neighbour that she was my best friend.

“Oh,” she said nonchalantly. “Well, you’re not my best friend. My best friend is in school.” Ouch. But then, I was six: I didn’t realise that she was my only friend.

You might say that I’m taking advantage of the people I’m describing. Well, it’s up to you to see it in any way you like. But in reality, what are friends? They are people who can use each other. If you have a best friend, you must have something that your friend doesn’t have. That’s why he needs you and calls you his best friend and vice-versa. Sorry to say this but you’re literally using each other (which is okay if it’s a constant give-and-take relationship).

What if you can give your friends what they need but they can do absolutely nothing for you? You can say that you don’t expect anything in return but how many people really mean it? However, you do expect your friends to treat you the same way you treat them. But sometimes that doesn’t work out. Sometimes, you are capable of being more caring towards your friends while they, on the other hand, can’t. That leaves you feeling deprived and wondering why your friends are so selfish.

However, if you do feel that you enjoy giving even though people treat you like crap, by all means carry on, it’s your life. If you don’t like it, you can stop. We all have to be selfish sometimes.

Not everyone will agree with me since I’m practically asking people to be cold and selfish. The world would be less warm and friendly that’s for sure but I’m only suggesting that people do so when they meet people who put them down. Why be nice to people who are mean to you? Why care about people who don’t care about you? There’s a huge difference between being noble and being stupid.

Why why let them treat you like this when you don’t deserve it? Why put up with something that you don’t like and will never like? Why change yourself to fit your friends? Why not find other friends who are able to click with you without you having to change yourself?

I feel that we should never give ourselves wholly in a friendship. Give happily and openly but never wholly. You have to know how to detach yourself from your friends so that when they hurt you, you won’t be hurt.

Just remember that not everyone is as lucky as some people are. If you have great, wonderful friends, good, you’ve found some lovely people. But for anyone who is depressed and upset because of how your friends have treated or are treating you, I say, why let your friends make you feel this way? Who are they? Friends? I think not.

yorshee, Negri Sembilan (taken from the STAR, Wednesday December 29, 2004)

i read this article today, and then, i realize how much i've done for people just to be known as a friend, how much i've tried to be a best friend, how stupid i am to change for a friend, how dumb i am for being used to so-called-a-friend, and how blind i am for not feeling lucky, for not realize the friend that care about me a lot... im sorry, heh, im totally agree with what written up there, coz, i really have that experience, i mean, suicide and all those stuff, yeah, maybe some of you saying im doing that coz im crazy in love, but, friend also one of the factor im doing that, i have nobody as a friend, i mean, a true friend to talk to, to share my probs with, no one! i think you understand what im feeling now, right? you're not realize how much people have taken advantage on you coz you believe your so-called-best-friend, heh, same to me, its too hard to find a good friend... really...

its been 4 days i've not write anything here, balik kampung maaa, heh, my cousin wedding so i've got to help them, got lotsa works to do there, plus, i've drive 200km+ by myself, damn, it was very tiring, especially i've doesn't have enough sleep to drive, plus, it was my very first time to drive that far, ok? and the road is not highway and imagine there's only one lane and there's lots of trucks, lorry carrying balak and old slow car, duh, never got easy time to drive fast, but it really worth, for the first time, i can feel the power of family love shared among me and my other family, not my mother or brother (my dad didn't want to come along) but my cousin, my best cousin in the world, damn, i love them so much, they treat me as a grown person, as an adult, they give me advice of my dicision, and i really2 regret for what i've done without consultation from them, damn, now i am very regret, but they still giving me hope eventhough im taking wrong decision, and for the first time i smoke freely with them, hahaha, seriously that's was very, em, i don't know waht the perfect words for it, even in BM, duh, as long im happy, its going to be a very cool moment in my experience of my life... thanks everyone...

helping in kenduri seriously very tiring, especially when you have to arrange the table and everything, thanks god my job isn't cooking, heh, but, hey, its not very tiring as you think, i can even have rest for 3 hours that day, heh, that's the important to social in neighbourhood, everything is managed, washing, decorating, serving, canopy, table, everything, hey, how in the world you gonna serve 300 person by your own? except you wed in hotel la, what? you think your parent and family is enough? duhh, unless you have 20 plus siblings, i can't imagine how in the hell you done that, heh, dah la, im not very healthy today, dunno why, i sleep the whole day today, doing nothing, anyway, im going sleep now, adios!

damn, forgot to write yesterday, heh, what an clumpsy asshole, heh, emm, wondering why i have to write here everyday, maybe imjust boring, nahh, just want to share the my experience of an asshole life, haha, its 25th now, merry christmas to all! heh, im doing nothing yesterday, also the day before yesterday, just, damn, im just finished my last credit on my phone, duhh, so no sms for now, duhh, its all my ex fault, she asked me to call her, what dumb person am i, but, hey, it worth, ok? didn't i told you guys before, she was the best ever girl that i ever have, she do know all about me, and understand me, heh, but its over now, can't do anything, but i still can't believe her for what have she done to my bestfriend, you remember about my bestfriend that i topup her? my ex know about it and she's on my side, she explain to my bestfriend what happen to me and she know she misunderstood about me, duh, i jus can't believe my ex's action, damn, she do know all about me, well, there's no room for me to regret now, but still, i need someone like her now, desperately, yeah, i got a lot of friend now, but what can they do? they know about me nothing, its not because i didn't share with them, its just because of time, you know? time make friendship close, ok? now all my bestfriend, i mean, my old friend gone, vanished one by one ignoring me, well, i can't change anything, i enjoy talking with them, but now i have to make more new friend, for my own need for future, maybe i only suit to be a loner, but hey, loner too need a friend, ok? duhh, whatever laa, can't change nething, just wait and see, em, anyway, to all my friend, please, and im begging with all my heart, please don't ignore me, ok? i don't know what to do now, and one more, please, if you want to fuckup my life, please stop, i already have enough, you guys force me to suicide more than twice, and i don't really want to die yet, i still have a dream to run, ok? thanks, and as usual, adios!

duhh, forgot to write yesterday, damn, heh, what past is past, haha, em, like usual, having damn same boring life, except my mom fire up his mouth cannon to finish up my laundry and settle about the MMU's form, damn, had to use the old EX5 to go everywhere, FYI, i hate riding on it, exspecially it move a lil' bit faster than tortoise, duhh, and, there nothing usual happen today, last night im watching 'love on a diet' wow, i wish i have same fate like that andy lau... duhh, in dreams xordd, i never in one day i didn't dream about it, think about it, imagine about it... its getting cronic and now i think its better to smoke than keep dreaming like that, anyone have any ideas to settle this prob? and can anyone teach me how to get cancer, or tumor or whatsoever in the short time? its better than that usual suicide, heh, anyone? post something for me, ok? adios!

p/s: that movie reminds me about garfield's "diet is die with a T"

i got nothing to write today, got no mood, ok, fine, actually im too lazy to write now and got no idea to write, maybe i can gain some strength and ideas after i have some smoke and speed after this, adios!

nothing much happen today, but i got some damn fucking great dream, i know its just a dream, and i keep thinking about it, yeah, i know its not going to be a reality, but, hey, its not illegal to fantasied, rite? haha, i dream about my ex girl begging for me back, haha, she's even drove to my house and beg! derh, well, its just a dream, and it will remain as a dream... so sad... haha, duhh, what the fuck im doing now? haha, whatever laa, well, secretly for your infomation, i keep dream about her, much! there's a lot of story in my mind and damn, its too much for me to write here, haha, and that's one of 'em, pretty loser, huh? heh, what's cool about fantasy is, sometime it can be a reality, but, what's sucks about it is, it always remain as a fantasy, haha, but, when you know its impossible to be a reality, just keep on dreaming guys, as long you happy with it, and don't take it too much, it can be worst, heh, whatever laa, heh, but i still waiting for her, still saving for her birthday, still looking forward to see her arrive, still dreaming for her, still everything about her, and i know, its impossible to become reality for her come to me back, coz she is exist in my dream forever to make me happy...... what a loser, heh, i don't care you call me stupid, or razy or whatever, coz i am! and i really wish all your words granted to me! its better for me to be that way... heh, adios!

i don't know how to describe sunday, to me, sunday is just like other day now, everyday's sunday to me, but, today, i realize, my precious sunday isn't sunday anymore, damn, its like hell day to me now, duhh, sunday suppose to be a rest day for other's, but not me, i've to do all the works that they have to do on weekdays, its sucks man,.. damn, when im going to have my precious rest? i'll tell you what im doing all this day..

i wake up early in the morning, 8am, duh, that's too early! but for your infomation, i did wake at 6 for subuh, but, hey, any nuts want to stay after subuh? my dad woke me up to have breakfast at mamak's, so far, it's ok then, still sleepy, but still can manage it, really gratefull my dad drove the car, we all going to die if i drive, im sleepy, remember? after having those, my dad decided to go for a small shopping, to buy my bro's damn text book, and its not end there, i've got to accompany my mom to pasar, arghhh, i want my sleep back!!!!! duhh, i arrive at my house, 10 minutes after 12, straightway to my bed and sleep, but not for long, my mom wake me up for laundry, duhhh, still can manage it..

then at 2, having lunch and after that, my dad asked to set up the bbq set for tonight's bbq, arghhh! i hate bbq!! have to start those fire and, damn, leceh laaa! setting up that bbq set taking me 2 hours (its not easy, ok?) after that, i've to wash the silling fan, damn!! it took me about 2 hours, aghhh! im going to dieeee... imagine, i've to take the fan down, unplug it, unscrew, wash it, scew, plug, and set it up again, arghh!! its not easy to be multi purpose son, ok? especially your brother can't do anything, even unscrew using screwdriver(wtf)?!! straightaway have my bath then sleep for about 10 minutes, waiting to start the fire..

gratefully, its my bro's turn to start the fire, but still, he's handicap, can't do anyhing, so i set up the fire and ask him to fire up those charcoal, then, having those delicious chiken wings and againn!!! have to unscrew the fan.. arghh!! then straightaway me to my room, lock it, and have a nice smallville and the apprentice alone and peacefully, and waiting for my parent sleep to log on and having smoke after this, and surely im going to wake up late tomorrow, hahaha!! adios..

i seriously don't what in the hell happen to me, seriously, i feel that i can't smoke anymore, my body can't accept it and everytime i try to smoke, i feel like i need to blown up, heh, is a good sign anyway, im going to stop smoking, maybe, but its a good sign what? i only smoke 3 a day, hey, im a heavy smoker, 3 is not enough, ok? heh, duh, really grateful for what happen to me now, getting my as from UIA, dumped by my best friend(twice!), emm, what more? but hey, its life, i bet no one dare having this risk to survive, right? thanks goodness im in good mood now, so i can write without explicit word, haha, im sure many people out there would to comment about my grammar, yeah, im sorry if that make you feel uneasy, i got good english learning, just i hate to learn grammar, as long as you understand what im write, its good for me then, anyway, please feel free to write comment, i don't care if you write rubbish there, or making fun of me, same to my friendster, just write what you want to write, i give you freedom to write anything about me, as long its not insult about my family, ok? heh, seriously i feel bad about being dumped from my friend(i got another sms telling to not disturb her), but when i think it over, i still have a good friend that have same life as me, eventhough not bad as me, but still, we can get along together, that's important, maybela, heh, anyway, take care guys, and feel free to contact me, sms or YM, adios!

im going about my friend, my best two friend, my only friend that understand me much than anyone else that i know(except one, she the best one that i ever have), ok, the first one, im not going to tell who she(yes, a girl, all my best friend is a girl) is, but hopefully she's reading this, so you know who you are! i know her since im in form 4, maybe a bit earlier, already forgot mahh, then we get closer when i couple with one of her friend, that's was my first ever experience in love.. we get so close then, she know all about me, what me do, then, when i broke off with my first girlfriend, she become my second girlfriend, then we broke off, but we still a good friend, damn, she understand me very well, no one in the world, even my mom doesn't have that good instict about me, then, late 2003, again, we couple, damn, that was a very good memory we have, well, only for me maybe, and, again, we broke off, but we still remain as a good friend eventhough im mad with her, she still have that sense on me, duhh, how in the hell she do that? then, 4 days before today, she send me an SMS that she want to stay away from me for a while... and other starians, coz she think we all is not good friend to her, heh, i hate the word 'we' on me! the only reason she do that because of her boyfriend which happen to be a starian mad with her, damn! dah la that guy stole you from me, you still want to make fun with me? huh? you know im very bad in making friend, and you still doing this to me? duhh!! fine then! suit yourself! i can survive alone!

ok, the second girl, she also one of my best friend, to be honest, i used to try to take she as my girlfriend, but never succed, because before i say the magic word, she aready lost contact with me and then i heard rumours that she already have a new boyfriend, which also happen to be a starian, nevermind about that, but as long she is my friend, that's cool! yesterday, i topup he phone coz i know that she have no credit balance on her account, the i started to messanging with her, then i know she's having fever so i asked her to sleep, in that morning, she send to me a sms tell me that im not suppose to topup her coz im going to make her bf mad, and she also didn't like the idea of that topup, damn! i need a friend, ok? i need someone to talk to, i never want to 'potong line' ! just need a friend to ask for an advice? is that wrong? huh? only rm5, is that much? huh? duh, from that moment, i swear, i'll never contact that girl again, if that you want, fine! you get what u want, heh, i seriously i don't know what in the hell im going to do, well, its cool to be dumped by a girlfriend, even cooler to be dump by best friend! you guys blame me for what i've done, but, please, think a while, whose to blame actually? me or you? think about it, ok? beg you, please! don't make my life an asshole! no one like it! adios!

what do you feel, when your trusted friend, the one you care a lot, the one that you keep thinking about, left you because because of your group? because of an unacceptable reason? damn! i hate when people keep leaving me because im a freakin' fucking STARIANS! you guys think im happy being there? hey, i like a gay that live in a lesbo bar! get it? that's mean, im like an alien there! i got no friends, i mean REAL friend, ok? no one depend on me and vice versa, im a loner! im just a geek that only know about this freakin' computer stuff, what you expect from me? huh? derh, i really a friend to talk now, really, DESPERATELY! ok? i don't know what im going to do, maybe i just type it here, i really don't know what im going to now, after i know my ex gf have a new boyfriend, i really don't care if that boy live in the same country she studying now, really! but the problem is, that boy is in malaysia and doing nothing! damn! even weird guys can't accept it, ok? im being dumped because she's going somewhere far from me, and wanted to get concetration on her study, i seriously don't mind about that ( eventhough i've been trying to suicide before ) but after i know the truth, hey, anyone can accept it? i bet you don't only have one girl with you now.. haha, anyway, thanks for all this sufferin' prob you give me, bitch!

finally, i reach my home of hell, i mean, my another hell, hell of boring! better than my used hell of misery, damn! i wish i never been there before, heh, i reach here a day late, due to my father want to pick me up, and finally, my dad allow me to drive his mercedes on highway! yeah, damn it was soooo cool! imagine my cool macho look when me drive 'em, hahaha! 'perasan'! anyway, to all who reading this blog, i dedicated simple plan's 'welcome to my life' , heh, never read the lyrics yet, but the title is enough to welcome you guys to read it, anyway, i just deleted my ex's address from my friendster list and yahoo messengger list, damn, i seriously couldn't stand with all the lies she creating for me, hey, it's enough and its time for you to tell the truth, ok? you know how i feel, and propably yo know what i've done, so what you want, you fucking asshole bitch? huh? i seriously don't want to type your name here, you know who you are, and you know what im capable to do, right? damn you fucking girl, you know when's your time........ adios!

hey, just want to inform you guys, i'll not studying in UIA anymore, today is the last day im here, damn, i hate this place, i know, some of you guys gonna say im stupid for this decision, yeah, keep on talking, I AM STUPID! so what? did i make ur life sucks? im not blaming anyone over this decision, even i blame myself! but, just wanna you guys know, you also have role in this fucking decision, you know who you are, girls!

yeah, i have the greatest night ever, and its true, pain is pleasure, i really enjoyed it a lot! seriously, but it require a lot of energy, for anyone who doesn't know it yet, i've done a crazy things, man, its was soo cool! i've stole RM50 from my roomie, and then pretended im guilty although there a lot of evidence that show im doing it, then, after 1 hour, i admit then KABOOM!! 15 people on 1! but its still not cool enough, no blood appear on my body, damn! i only injured my head and shoulder and some on my back but no blood! what the hell? am i strong enough from them? dunno! heh, i believe, those people will not read this untill im off from here, rite? haha, wait for my revenge, guys, just wait...

heh, i never write anything about me, ok, i write something, me is a kind person that can live alone, anywhere that have oxygen to breath, food to eat, a person that usually walk alone and simply hate to be in group, rather doing his work alone than depend to someone else, so, basically, IM A LONER! i eat alone, i walk alone, i die alone. my soommate think im a genius in computer stuff, but i don't think so coz the things that i can do is only basic, man, who doesn't know how to format? manually eject the cd and all those stuff? i never learn it in formal class, only depend on books and forum and that's the only my BEST friends. why i need to have a friend that will stab my back than have a friend that do nothing to me? yeah, im a freak and so are you, i love to eat but i have to slow it down coz i gaining my weight now, someone say i can apply to work as a bouncer, damn! i eat anything but not sotong and udang and also kari, hate em! i don't wear anything on my head, but i still can consider songkok but only on hari raya, and i don't wear kain pelikat, it's not coz i want to follow modern civillization, its bcoz i hate my feet cooling down, and hate my head hot as im a hot tempered person. eh, forgot to say, im a happy go lucky person, but easily get mad and i always 'simpan dalam'. sabo je la, heh, again, im a loner, a mad guy with money, a crazy person that can jump from 5th floor into 'logi' in good mood. em, whatelse? duh, just pm me at xordmetzger@yahoo.com with yahoomessenger and you know what kind person am i, damn, adios!